Arguing in front of your children. Do you do it or wait until you have and your partner have some alone time?

[Meg Hansen]

My marriage is in a valley right now. And while we are working on issues it is still difficult. I see clearly that it has a direct effect on my son and he see's what is going on. It's very hard to always bite my tongue and not have a "reaction" at the heat of the moment. My son said something to me today about it and it kind of broke my heart. He told me I should go and give daddy a kiss and a hug and tell him I love him. And, not to be sad. Ugh! How do you handle situations like this?

[Dawn]

I am so sorry, when this happens it really is heart breaking . It would be so wonderful if life were to work like your son's mind does. A kiss could fix everything - sometimes it does, but sometimes it's much more complicated. He seems young, so I wouldn't put too much of this on him. Better to bite your tongue than having biting comments break his spirit.

[Grace E. Mauzy]

When I argue I use my brain. I hardly every shout. I never am physical. I use sound ideas and thoughts. I use my words with power but not trying to be oppressive or controlling. My husband and I have had many disagreements over our marriage. And he has yelled, bullied, and tormented in the process. But I stuck to my values and beliefs. My morals were never swayed. And he was cowed to be less and less noisy as we argued. now he can have a difference of opinion with me, but know that that is all there is. He has his opinion and I have mine. It may be that neither has a better idea or way of doing things, but now when one has a better idea we can actually listen and respond with respect. Let me tell you it was NOT easy to hold so tightly to my not yelling. But as with most things the effort was worth it.

[Kristine]

When I am truly so mad at my husband that I can't keep my feelings till later I always make a point in front of everyone (both kids I mean) that even grown ups get mad but it has nothing to do with them. Mommy and Daddy fight just like they do with their friends, but like their arguments they are over quickly. It may not always be the truth (being over quickly I mean) but the fighting in front of them should be. I hope this makes sense :)
Best of luck and I hope your valley turns into a mountain really quick.
Cheers

[Dawn Noe Matthews]

Hi, I think that there are times when it is not always easy to wait to show a disagreement. As long as your children know that they are loved and that the disagreement is not their fault, small disagreements should be fine. Counting to 10 helps sometimes, but when you explain to your children that even grown ups have disagreements like they do with their peers, they may understand it a little easier.

I hope everything works out for you and your husband.

[Frances Campbell]

I try not to argue or say nagative things towards my spouse. In front of my kids. But when i'm having an off day . All the negative comes out. After all is said and done. I feel real bad. But I've been working on it. Especially since i grew up watching my parents argueing for everything. I swore i would not do the same ,but certain things just can't be ignored. When i do wait to talk to him when we're alone , he tunes me out. So , now i just don't bother stressing myself out. For my sake and my kids .

[Kathleen Hoffman]

I have been in this place and would like to respond. My son has witnessed many in the moment reactions which have not been good. One thing that we have given to him is the ability to give us time outs. This has helped to give him some sense of control over all of this. So he has given me but primarily his father time outs. Also, I would recommend going to couples counselling which helped us quite a bit. The best results though have come from medication for my spouse--I was already taking anti-depressants. Now that he is taking his medication on a regular basis there hasn't been any of the huge blow up fights. Everyone feels safer.

[Thandi]

I agree with Susan-up to a certain point. I can't help with your specific situation as I don't know which end of the spectrum you're on. There's a difference between raised voice, in your face arguing (shouting) vs disagreeing in respectful tones. It's easy for those who practise Christian living because it's drummed into you to turn the other cheek, to be humble etc. We do disagree in front of the kids, but it helps that our principles are the same so we 'argue' about silly things like where the pasta was, or who put the salt in the bin instead of in the cupboard. Stuff we just laugh about. I believe anger in their parents may scar children...Then again, I'm way different to most of you on here, so let me stop right here!

[Quanda]

It's best to wait until you have alone time with your partner. And if you can't wait to do that, go into a separate part of the home or even outdoors, away from the children. Because in the long run your arguments and fights will definitely affect your children. These children now days are too intelligent and smart to not know what's going on around them. :)