Spanking. Do you believe in it? Why or why not? And if so, how do you decide when is it time for one?

[Meg Hansen]

I am having a horrible time with my 3.5 y.o. son. I am at my wits end with punishing him, rewarding him for good behavior, time outs, taking favorite toys away. He is still not listening to me. Today, he rode his bike very far away from me to the point where I could not see him. I am considering a spanking at this point but not sure. I would appreciate any suggestions. Thanks.

[Michelle Hutchison]

Hi Meg,
It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Some children take a long time to get the message and just when you have one thing figured out, they find something else to challenge you on. Young children can be so frustrating at times. Personally I don't think you should spank him - I think it would be more of an impact to say "You did not listen to me when I asked you to stop/come back. Until I feel you understand the rules of staying near me when on your bike, you may not use your bike".
With spanking - when do you stop? What do you do when he starts hitting you because he is not happy with you? How do you explain it is wrong?

You could take a look at these tips written by a friend of mine - they may help. Good luck

[Mommies with Cents]

My husband and I were both spanked when were were young. We spank our daughter occasionally, but there is a time and place for it. We usually do timeouts, but there are times where we are at our wits end and nothing works. I believe it depends on the parent and the child. None of us are perfect. I don't feel comfortable for spanking, so I don't use it except maybe twice a year. I always feel way too horrible to do it. Good luck on your decision!

[Lindsay]

I can't say that I'm against spankin. But when we had our daughter, my husband and I talked about it and we decided we weren't going to use it as a form of disipline. The reason being I am a very emotional person and I respond with me emotions. I can' trust myself not to go to far when I'm frustrated with my kids. So the decision is up to you. Do you think your son will respond to that kind of disipline, or will he not care? Good luck and I hope things start to get a little more managable. -Lindsay

[Darline Turner-Lee]

Meg,
This is such an emotional issue. I have spanked my children but use it as a last resort. I have found, especially as my children get older, that there are ways to enforce behavior-taking away privileges, timeouts, etc...But there are times, like when my son threw a stool and hit his sister in the head, that I spanked him and told him that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. Because I only spank him on "really bad" issues, he has begun to discern what is "really bad" behavior. In my experience, you don't have to spank your children often, and one or two swats on the bottom is enough. If you find that you get too emotional or think you would hit too hard, or too often, spanking is not for you.

[Jillian Livingston]

If you remain strong and stick to the consequences, I think that he will soon turn the corner. Children can be impossible but I usually find that it is because they are needing your attention.

My 4.5 year old son has regressed and is acting like he did at two. I realize that he is unhappy with my new vocation as a writer and although I don't have the energy, I have been trying to give him more attention. It seems to be working but he does want more and more of me.

Not to say that I have not spanked in the past but it seems that all the child remembers is the pain and hurt from the spanking and not the lesson learned. I don't want my child remembering pain.

[Cassie Cufr]

Take a look at http://goybparenting.com/ and http://www.aolff.org
I'm personally in favor of more gentle parenting techniques. The key is consistency and understanding what is age appropriate behaviour. I think the tips on these sites will really help you:)

[Jeanette McLeod]

Hi Meg
spanking is such an emotive issue and you will probably get views from both sides.
My son was absolutely awful when he was the same age and nothing seemed to work. There were occasions when the last resort was a smack. Just the one. But I was always careful to make sure he knew it was for the behaviour and that it was the last resort for him not listening. I always felt bad. However as time passed and he grew up he started to respond to the much gentler forms of discipline.
I am not saying it is right to smack a child but when there are no options left and the child is in danger of hurting themselves or others it may be apporiate. But it has to be done at the time - none of this 'wait till your father gets home!'.
Your son's behaviour will improve and you will be able to reason with him a lot more.
Next will be the challenge of the naughty step when he realises he can get off it!!
Good luck and just know that you are not alone.
Jeanette
x

[Meg Hansen]

Thank you so much! This is exactly what I need. I had been praying about this, I have been so stumped and really did not know where to turn. Both sites are great and I will definately be reading these in the days ahead.

Cassie Cufr said:

Take a look at http://goybparenting.com/ and http://www.aolff.org
I'm personally in favor of more gentle parenting techniques. The key is consistency and understanding what is age appropriate behaviour. I think the tips on these sites will really help you:)

[Cassie Cufr]

If those were of help to you, let me give you another link to bookmark. http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com . The board is down for a few days for maintenance, but will be up by the end of the week, I'm pretty sure. It's a tremendous group of gentle-minded mamas. There are so many people there who have walked this road and would love to help you out!

[Nicole A. Tucker]

Hello Meg:

Children are a direct reflection of their parents' fears, upsets, joys, talents and so on. You state that you are having a challenging time with your son not listening to you; do you see this reflected in your own life - do you feel that you are not being heard in your life...at home, work, etc? Or are you not listening to yourself - your inner voice, intuition? As a suggestion, explore and address your own personal angst and you will see a change in your son's behavior.

All the best,
Nicole
www.WholeCreations.com
http://twitter.com/OrganicWomBaby

[Tamara Garcia]

Meg,

I am not sure what your beliefs are but I am a firm believer that every answer about our lives is in the bible. I have three boys 11,8, and 6 and I have spanked them all for being disrespectful and disobedient. I will not spare my boys. Depending on what the case may be I take away things they like, at times I warn them, and at times I will spank them. I must admit that now at the ages that my boys are, I have not had to spank them for sometime now because the lessons are learned and they know the consequences. I see too many times now where children are the parents and the parents are the children. That is why there are so many children disrespecting their parents now. We have become relaxed in disciplining our children that they are out of control. One thing I will ALWAYS do and suggest that you do the same is not just be the parent but make sure you stress to your children that you are also their friends. You don't ever want your children to feel that they can not come to you because you are always frustrated with them. I tell my boys everyday that we are friends and let me know that they can come and talk to me about anything and I will not judge them but will talk to them as I would my friend.

I also make sure that whenever I discipline my boys by spanking them that I explain before hand why I am going to spank them and inform them that they are not bad but chose to make a wrong choice. Now, after I spank them I tell them that I love them and if I didn't I would just leave them to carry on with their bad choices and teach them nothing. Be strong and stay committed to be a parent and you should never feel sorry for spanking your children. There are great lessons in life to be learned and they are depending on you to help them get through them. I want to leave you with a few scriptures versus in hopes that they will give you comfort. Like I said before; I am cautious where I receive my information from and feel that the only TRUE answers in this life is in the GREAT BOOK!!

Prov 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently)."
Prov 19:18: "Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying."
Prov 22:15: "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him."
Prov 23:13: "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die."
Prov 23:14: "Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell (Shoel)."
Prov 29:15: "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame."

www.dviministry.org

Peace be with you.

[Susan Mentzer]

I don't really agree with spanking as much as I used to. I am a grandmother and I used to spank my children, however I guess I've watched Nanny on tv and decided there are other ways to take care of the situation. You just have to consistant and that sometimes can be the hard thing to do if your in a hurry to go to a meeting or someplace and you have to stick your child in the corner until he gets it that he or she did wrong. Sometimes people loose control in spanking because the child has made them so mad or they might have another situation come up that made you angry right before the child misbehaved and the child ends up paying for that as well because the spanking is extra hard. Just be careful.My daughter has a 4 year old child who is really been testing his parents lately but I think it's because she is expecting a daughter in a week or two. He has been acting up for a while though and this can be very challenging when it seems to be all the time.